A Long and Narrow Road

Here, the struggle begins, one step at a time.


Party Time!

I wish it WAS time to party.

If I had stuck to the plan, by now I’d be a much fitter person but the reality of it is this, I suck. I suck at losing weight and I suck at exercising even more.

You already knew this about me.

I’ve never been one to promise anything but I thought I’d at least be able to stick to the “one step at a time” thing. But then it got cold and I got tired and then something in my personal life went helter skelter.

The excuses that I cooked up for myself are many. All true, of course but none of them really warranted a complete stop to the production line.

What do I have to show for it? TEN extra pounds. No joke. So today I dusted off the scale and recorded my true weight. Not the weight I thought I was based on the notches in my belt, but my true weight. I wrote it down. I packed my sensible lunch of grilled salmon and kale salad and I hit the pavement. Again.

It did feel good to start walking again but every other step, I found myself grimacing.  I wasn’t in pain, I think I was just crabby but those that encountered me mid-grimace steered clear of me so I must have been a sight.

What’s in store for me tomorrow? More of the same.

How about you? I hope you are doing better than I am.





Back in the Saddle

After a long break, I decided to hit the road again. I didn’t really feel like doing it and mentally, I am not 100% sure I can stick to it, but I donned the clothes and shoes this morning and headed out. At least I LOOKED serious. Honestly though, I felt horrible. I took my normal route but ended up cutting it short a little because of  a slight limp. It amazes me how much you lose when you take a break:

Stamina. I didn’t push myself all that hard and yet, I felt sluggish and my stride was awkward. Even by the end of the loop, I felt as if I was staggering along.

Motivation. I lost my motivation right around the half mile mark. I think I was just disappointed in myself. Taking that break felt good at the time but it didn’t feel good this morning as I struggled through what should have been a super easy walk.

Flexibility. Whatever flexibility I gained last fall was lost by taking the break that I did. I sort of felt like the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. I could have used a squirt of oil to get  my limbs moving.

This is a lesson that I’ve learned before but for whatever reason, I tend to return to my bad habits. It’s easier to give up. In fact, it takes no effort to just stop what you are doing. But the “getting back on the horse” thing is brutal! You’d think I’d just keep going to avoid it. After all, I am a sensible person and don’t always take the easy way out, but when it comes to exercise, I seem to have other plans.

All I can do is try. So, that is what I am doing. Trying. Again.

And, I am okay with it.


Tie It Up With a Bow, or a Good Fitting Belt

I have had the same leather belt for I don’t know how long. It’s good quality leather and has taken the brunt of my on again, off again diet and exercise escapades. Escapades. A great word. Must use it more often. Anyway, this belt has seen better days and guess what folks? It’s on the last notch and my pants are fighting gravity daily.

I just bought a new belt but I haven’t used it yet. It’s one of those belts that will work with me no matter what my waist does. Its design has holes around the entire thing, but I got a medium so if I wear it today, it will be a little on the tight side as the first possible slot for me to use is a smidge short of being comfortable. I am waiting to drop another half-inch before I put it on but in the mean time, I am hiking up my pants every two seconds.

It’s aggravating but at the same time, satisfying. Yes, my pants are too big, my belt is too big and for now, I like it. I know you know what I mean because as soon as I get pants in a smaller size, they will be a smidge tight. And then I’ll feel fat, blah blah. That’s why so many people hang on  to their fat clothes. Comfort.

At the same time though, I risk looking frumpy and you can only tighten up loose pants so much before you achieve the paper bag look. I hate buying clothes though. When I was thin, I bought from a catalog. It was easy and fast and no one had to look at me and I didn’t have to look at myself. These days, I HAVE to try stuff on and usually whatever I try on looks hideous. It’s the truth. Maybe that won’t be my reality for long but for now it is, and that is what propels me forward.

That leads me to the exercise part. Today’s walk was a jog/walk and to be honest, it wasn’t too bad. These days I am fueled by frustration. You use what you can to get you out of bed and on the road and so I am grateful that I have plenty of shit to pull from. My thighs rub. Hate that. Use it as fuel. Everything jiggles. Hate that even more. Use it as fuel. I’ve got loads of stuff to burn. Seriously.

What fuels you?


They See Me

Have you ever noticed that the heavier you are, the more invisible you tend to be? I’ve never understood this logic. If you are heavy, there is more of you to see, right? So how can one be invisible? That is how I feel sometimes when I am around other people. Invisible.

I have been walking since, I don’t know, the second week of September, and no one has noticed me that I am aware of. But this week, the same people that I have seen on my morning walks since September, have started to notice me, or perhaps they feel more comfortable saying something since they see me nearly every day. Twice. Twice this happened and it’s only Wednesday. In both cases, they asked me how I was doing with my workouts and declared, quietly, that when they see me, they feel motivated to try the same thing.

This made me incredibly happy.

It didn’t matter that I was all sweaty and my hair looked like a bird’s nest. What I have been doing is putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to become fit. It involves limping on some days and lots of lurching around. Since the walks have gotten easier, I have taken to bursts (I like to call them bursts) of jogging here and there. I don’t even want to know what I look like when I ‘burst’ into jog mode because I know it’s bad and everything jiggles a little too much and for those brief moments, I feel as if parts of me will break off and fall to the ground but I do it.

The fact that these people expect me to be out there daily, is yet another way to hold me accountable. This blog does the job admirably even though hardly anyone comments. Thanks, Karen! But knowing that those people are out there and expect to catch a glimpse of me at some point, also holds me accountable. It certainly can’t hurt and maybe one of those people will actually throw some shoes on and walk. Maybe.

I got frustrated this morning when at the end of my walk, I noticed that I selected the wrong activity for my Runkeeper app. I chose Cycling instead of walking and my calorie count was off and there was no way for me to fix it. At first, it felt like I was cheated or something but after a few moments I just said “whatever!” and moved on. What can you do? I was still on a high from people actually thinking that I was working out for real and not just lurching around.

They see me, and that’s okay.

A long time ago when I first started this walking thing, because there have been lots of starts and stops, there was this guy that walked at the same time I did. He was very heavy. I’d say around 380 lbs. He walked very slowly, but he was out there every single day, rain or shine. After a few months, I fell off my walking wagon and then started up over a year later and guess who I saw? THAT guy! He was skinny! I mean, well over 100 lbs less than when I had seen him last. He was still walking at a slow pace. Maybe health issues prevented him from increasing his speed but man, he looked good and the only way I recognized him was because he was wearing the same outfit! Albeit, huge. But, the same. He kept going. I didn’t. It was a hard lesson but a good one.

So, I will keep going and maybe in a year I will be in a different place too.

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The Wall

I say it, like I am some major athlete or something but I have hit a wall. I either need to up my game, or do something a bit more drastic on the food side because nothing has changed in over two weeks.

The food that I put in my body is usually the good stuff. I do stray every now and then but because of my numerous reactions to food these days, if I find something I CAN eat, I eat it for a long period of time and then get bored with it.  This week, I have been battling something. It’s either a sinus infection or a reaction to food. I can’t quite tell and I don’t see the doctor until Friday With auto-immune diseases like Lupus, a simple sinus infection can turn into something horrible once the body goes into overdrive, and I believe that is what my body has done. Perhaps, that is why I feel as if I have hit a wall this week.


I have been stuck in a rut with the walking though. I feel as if I need to add an extra walk in or increase the distance a little. Oh, don’t get me wrong! It’s still not EASY and I gripe about it every chance I get but I have been doing the same thing for too long, I think.  I said something to this effect last week, huh? I guess I just need to do it and stop talking about it. I feel like I am a kid on the “little” playground and now I want to play with the big kids. I am in no shape to throw myself into a marathon though. Even a 5k. I am too out-of-shape to even attempt it and yes, I am scared to even try.  I am a big baby.

You know how my goal is to outrun zombies? Well, I threw World War Z (audiobook) onto my iPod this morning so it sort of felt as if I was running from zombies. But at this rate, I will be eaten alive ’cause even a one-legged zombie would catch me! Fast, I am not.

One step at a time. That’s what I keep telling myself.

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In Reverse

Today was one of those days where I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I stayed up late last night to watch Halloween and when the alarm went off at 4 a.m., I felt the unmistakable tickle of a sore throat. Oh man, how I groaned. BUT, I tossed myself into the shower and managed to get myself on the road.

The walk from the car to my office was frigid! I mean, we are talking 39 degrees and by California standards, that is damn near freezing. I got it into my head that I couldn’t possibly walk in this cold. I already had a throat tickle and walking in the cold air would just make it worse. By the time I got to my office, I had convinced myself to skip the walk. I mean, it’s so easy to do. Just skip it. No one would know and I’d save myself from getting a nasty cold.

With all of this going on in my head, I decided to change my clothes “just in case” I changed my mind about the walk. I added a scarf for warmth and did some stretches, telling myself that I will stretch first and then decide. Then, I set my fitness app and decided that if it didn’t get a good signal right off the bat, then that would be a sign to stay in today. The signal registered as POOR so then I took a few more steps out into the frigid weather and then got a FAIR. I took a few more steps and got a GOOD so I kept walking.

I decided to take my normal route, but in reverse.

Taking my normal route, in reverse, should not be a problem. It’s the same distance but normally I start off up hill and this of course meant I started off down hill and within 10 minutes, I had shin splints.

Plus, I had a horrific wedgie because guess what? I put my pants on backwards. Tagless clothing is the ultimate in comfort, but not when you can’t tell which way your damn pants go.

So there I was, limping WITH a wedgie. It did not make for a comfortable walk and in fact, I think I bitched the entire way. It was HARD. I felt weak and uncoordinated and could not wait for the darn thing to be over. How could it get any worse?

I’ll tell you how. I almost got run over by the ROTC guys that blew past me. I see them regularly but with this being a reverse route and all, I don’t think they expected to see me as they rounded a turn, so I quickly jumped out of the way and slipped in the mud. I didn’t fall, but my shoes were soaked and the next few steps afforded me ZERO traction so it was one of those floundering, “I am gonna fall” moments.

It wasn’t pretty.

Of course, I was really limping after that so when the end of the route loomed, happiness flooded over me in waves. I could take these wet shoes off, take my backward pants off, have coffee and be WARM. Happiness. Pure happiness. As sucky as the morning was, I am glad that it happened this way because looking back, I have had a lot of really good mornings and now I will appreciate them just a little bit more.


Hate. It.

Walking Path

Has it really been five days since my last post? I guess with the weekend and all, it has been.

Well, it hasn’t all been good. Last Friday, I made a discovery that really knocked me for a loop. It’s personal stuff but it affects my family and when my family is affected, it brings me down. I didn’t turn to food though which is what I normally do but man, the craving was there. All I had in the house was fruit, kale, yogurt and oatmeal. You can’t really go to town with those items so I was safe. Who wants to binge on oatmeal or yogurt? No one! Yeah, and a pear binge did not sound appealing either.

So, I walked. I did that “angry” walk that you sometimes see people do. My arms were swinging, my hips where sashaying and my feet were landing in thuds. A pleasant sound when you are working off anger and frustration. Thud. Thud. Thud. Graceful, I am not. Boy, did it feel good though! I can’t say that getting out the door was an easy task, but once I was out, I was flying.

But today, oh man, today was a bear! I just didn’t want to go! The weather was breezy and warm and I had absolutely no aches or pains but all I wanted to do was pull out that yoga mat and take a nap. Yes, the yoga mat again! I really need to get rid of it. It’s too tempting sometimes. Even with all the bitching, I didn’t allow myself time to do anything but get dressed. And then I took off on an uphill path. Gripe.

Needless to say, it was one of those mornings where my heart wasn’t in it, but I still got it done. That’s saying something, right? I do get bored, and the audio book I was listening too practically put me to sleep so I started up another one and it really pulled me through the walk. I sort of forgot how miserable I was after the first mile. I think with walking, it’s important to switch it up or you will bore yourself to death. Pick out some different music or change your route just a tiny bit. With all of these fitness apps these days, you can take off in any direction and know how far you’ve gone. I like that aspect of the app because sometimes I will head out for a certain path and then all of a sudden change directions and that’s okay, because I can still see how far I am walking. Do you use an app? I highly recommend them.

That’s it from me. I am crossing my fingers that the week goes by quickly because I really do need a nap.