A Long and Narrow Road

Here, the struggle begins, one step at a time.


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Tie It Up With a Bow, or a Good Fitting Belt

I have had the same leather belt for I don’t know how long. It’s good quality leather and has taken the brunt of my on again, off again diet and exercise escapades. Escapades. A great word. Must use it more often. Anyway, this belt has seen better days and guess what folks? It’s on the last notch and my pants are fighting gravity daily.

I just bought a new belt but I haven’t used it yet. It’s one of those belts that will work with me no matter what my waist does. Its design has holes around the entire thing, but I got a medium so if I wear it today, it will be a little on the tight side as the first possible slot for me to use is a smidge short of being comfortable. I am waiting to drop another half-inch before I put it on but in the mean time, I am hiking up my pants every two seconds.

It’s aggravating but at the same time, satisfying. Yes, my pants are too big, my belt is too big and for now, I like it. I know you know what I mean because as soon as I get pants in a smaller size, they will be a smidge tight. And then I’ll feel fat, blah blah. That’s why so many people hang on  to their fat clothes. Comfort.

At the same time though, I risk looking frumpy and you can only tighten up loose pants so much before you achieve the paper bag look. I hate buying clothes though. When I was thin, I bought from a catalog. It was easy and fast and no one had to look at me and I didn’t have to look at myself. These days, I HAVE to try stuff on and usually whatever I try on looks hideous. It’s the truth. Maybe that won’t be my reality for long but for now it is, and that is what propels me forward.

That leads me to the exercise part. Today’s walk was a jog/walk and to be honest, it wasn’t too bad. These days I am fueled by frustration. You use what you can to get you out of bed and on the road and so I am grateful that I have plenty of shit to pull from. My thighs rub. Hate that. Use it as fuel. Everything jiggles. Hate that even more. Use it as fuel. I’ve got loads of stuff to burn. Seriously.

What fuels you?

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They See Me

Have you ever noticed that the heavier you are, the more invisible you tend to be? I’ve never understood this logic. If you are heavy, there is more of you to see, right? So how can one be invisible? That is how I feel sometimes when I am around other people. Invisible.

I have been walking since, I don’t know, the second week of September, and no one has noticed me that I am aware of. But this week, the same people that I have seen on my morning walks since September, have started to notice me, or perhaps they feel more comfortable saying something since they see me nearly every day. Twice. Twice this happened and it’s only Wednesday. In both cases, they asked me how I was doing with my workouts and declared, quietly, that when they see me, they feel motivated to try the same thing.

This made me incredibly happy.

It didn’t matter that I was all sweaty and my hair looked like a bird’s nest. What I have been doing is putting one foot in front of the other in an attempt to become fit. It involves limping on some days and lots of lurching around. Since the walks have gotten easier, I have taken to bursts (I like to call them bursts) of jogging here and there. I don’t even want to know what I look like when I ‘burst’ into jog mode because I know it’s bad and everything jiggles a little too much and for those brief moments, I feel as if parts of me will break off and fall to the ground but I do it.

The fact that these people expect me to be out there daily, is yet another way to hold me accountable. This blog does the job admirably even though hardly anyone comments. Thanks, Karen! But knowing that those people are out there and expect to catch a glimpse of me at some point, also holds me accountable. It certainly can’t hurt and maybe one of those people will actually throw some shoes on and walk. Maybe.

I got frustrated this morning when at the end of my walk, I noticed that I selected the wrong activity for my Runkeeper app. I chose Cycling instead of walking and my calorie count was off and there was no way for me to fix it. At first, it felt like I was cheated or something but after a few moments I just said “whatever!” and moved on. What can you do? I was still on a high from people actually thinking that I was working out for real and not just lurching around.

They see me, and that’s okay.

A long time ago when I first started this walking thing, because there have been lots of starts and stops, there was this guy that walked at the same time I did. He was very heavy. I’d say around 380 lbs. He walked very slowly, but he was out there every single day, rain or shine. After a few months, I fell off my walking wagon and then started up over a year later and guess who I saw? THAT guy! He was skinny! I mean, well over 100 lbs less than when I had seen him last. He was still walking at a slow pace. Maybe health issues prevented him from increasing his speed but man, he looked good and the only way I recognized him was because he was wearing the same outfit! Albeit, huge. But, the same. He kept going. I didn’t. It was a hard lesson but a good one.

So, I will keep going and maybe in a year I will be in a different place too.


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The Wall

I say it, like I am some major athlete or something but I have hit a wall. I either need to up my game, or do something a bit more drastic on the food side because nothing has changed in over two weeks.

The food that I put in my body is usually the good stuff. I do stray every now and then but because of my numerous reactions to food these days, if I find something I CAN eat, I eat it for a long period of time and then get bored with it.  This week, I have been battling something. It’s either a sinus infection or a reaction to food. I can’t quite tell and I don’t see the doctor until Friday With auto-immune diseases like Lupus, a simple sinus infection can turn into something horrible once the body goes into overdrive, and I believe that is what my body has done. Perhaps, that is why I feel as if I have hit a wall this week.

Maybe.

I have been stuck in a rut with the walking though. I feel as if I need to add an extra walk in or increase the distance a little. Oh, don’t get me wrong! It’s still not EASY and I gripe about it every chance I get but I have been doing the same thing for too long, I think.  I said something to this effect last week, huh? I guess I just need to do it and stop talking about it. I feel like I am a kid on the “little” playground and now I want to play with the big kids. I am in no shape to throw myself into a marathon though. Even a 5k. I am too out-of-shape to even attempt it and yes, I am scared to even try.  I am a big baby.

You know how my goal is to outrun zombies? Well, I threw World War Z (audiobook) onto my iPod this morning so it sort of felt as if I was running from zombies. But at this rate, I will be eaten alive ’cause even a one-legged zombie would catch me! Fast, I am not.

One step at a time. That’s what I keep telling myself.