But once the wave passes, I feel:
On some days, I feel as if I am on the brink of falling into a pit of despair. but I’ve never been one to get depressed for long periods of time. So what I experience instead are quick bouts of “miserable-ness” which usually hits first thing in the morning, like when I realize I have to exercise, and then small episodes of grumpiness are peppered here and there throughout my day.
It’s funny how you can go through life feeling okay, and then one trip to the dressing room or one quick glance at your reflection in a window is enough to send you over the edge. And then when it happens, why the destructive behavior afterward? When I see myself in a mirror or window, the first reaction is…disgust. Why isn’t that enough to send me off huffing to the gym? Instead, I make an extra yummy dinner and chow down. Why? Because to me, food is comforting. I have lots of other things that comfort me, but food is often the first thing that comes to mind.
It’s hard to admit, but it’s all true. Right now, no one is reading this entry but me, and I am still ashamed to write it. Today, when I got up and felt all those things I mentioned above, I also felt dread at putting on the walking shoes and heading out the door. It’s JUST walking!
It shouldn’t be so hard. This struggle to eat better, exercise more and make better choices but it is. I feel overwhelmed and sometimes I feel lost, but all I can do is get through one day at a time and right now, the workout is done, I am about to eat a sensible breakfast and now that I’ve shared some of my feelings here, I feel better. More optimistic and yes, hopeful.