A Long and Narrow Road

Here, the struggle begins, one step at a time.

Doubt

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What a dangerous word.

Today, marks my third day of walking. Not running, or jogging or even walking fast. Just walking, and yet I had such a difficult time taking the first step. Once I was dressed for the morning, I realized just how exhausted I felt. Let’s face it, I AM exhausted. I don’t sleep well and by mid-week, it catches up with me. Regardless, I got myself to work, stepped into my shoes and headed out the door.

The first few minutes felt great. The morning, nice and cool and the campus? Totally empty. I had the entire place to myself but with each step, I grumbled. When did such a simple thing as walking became a chore?

When?

Even when I WAS skinny, I still had issues with exercise of any kind. I hit my WW goal without ANY exercise and yes, I know the value of it and how good it is for you and how it helps to burn more calories, blah blah. It’s all true but it’s never been something that I enjoyed and so I struggle.

Right now, I am trying to not think of it as exercise. I’ve got tons of audio books loaded and I spend my walking time convincing myself that it’s ME time. It is, too. No question. I do my best thinking while pounding the pavement.

But the doubt, it lurks around every corner. At any moment I feel as if I will just give up. That’s a scary thing to admit. Inside, I am telling myself to suck it up. It’s what I would tell my kids and truthfully, I do say it to myself, but I whisper it in the most unconvincing way.

You know how so many have these ideal pictures in their head of what they want their body to look like? I don’t want anything special, I just want to be 50 lbs less than I am. That doesn’t even put me at where I need to be (according to a doctor) but I would be thrilled, THRILLED to lose 50. I don’t even care if the skin hangs off in folds after the loss. Just give me a 50 lbs loss.

Can I do it? Time will tell.

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